A Year Ago Today ...

I woke up this morning thinking, a year ago today we were together in Maui, blissfully unaware of the tempest that awaited us upon our return to "home sweet home". We were nearing the end of our trip, returning to Portland on the 30th. On July 29th, Tommy arranged for Mom and Dad to have their portrait drawn by a local artist near and dear to Dad's heart (Dad had commissioned many of his grandkids portraits from him). This artist sat in the heart of Front street, and we made our way there for the appointment. I was dreading it because I figured it would be a boring hour or two. But the memories of that hour and a half we sat there stand out in my mind in shining relief. Dad was so healthy and tan. He didn't let on that he was having any discomfort. We had the impending surgery (to harvest the cancer tissue) and subsequent vaccine scheduled shortly after our return to Dallas. Then we could sit back and watch God work through the brilliant mind and hands of Dr Nemunaitis. All was right with the world for that moment in time -- it was as if reality and the world were put on hold for those 8 amazing days and it was just us again, Mom and Dad and us three "kids". Hector and Caleb were there for the first few days. But my amazing husband, who is so sensitive and discerning, decided after only a day or two to move he and Caleb to the Marriott and give the Puamana house to the five of us. I thought that was silly and argued the point, but he insisted. What a gift that was! Slow moving, lazy mornings with coffee and Good Morning America. Eventually we moved en mass t0 the "adult pool" (a/k/a the quiet pool) to read and get splashed by the waves just when a cool-down was needed. A little afternoon snooze for Dad in the recliner, snacking on macadamia nut caramel corn and spicy rice crackers. Getting ready for the latest culinary delight in our culinary tour of Maui, I think it was Plantation House that night. We gave Dad a hat or shirt from every one of his favorite places, and we hit them all on that trip. God gave us so many gifts during Daddy's illness, but this was definitely the cherry to top them all. Sweet lazy days with no distractions, just precious fellowship with one another. I know now why Jesus went away to spend time alone with His Father to gain strength. God granted us that time to gather our strength for the enormous trial that awaited us. He was gracious enough to allow us to be unaware of the intent of this oasis. I can close my eyes now and am transported back so clearly to those sweet Maui days with my laughing, handsome, tan, healthy Dad. How desperately I miss him! I read over the blog from the Maui posts up through those final days in the hospital. I sometimes long even for those times, God's presence was so near you could reach out and touch it. I can barely feel it now, but it's me who has moved, not Him. I finally came to realize that my image of God is so intrinsically linked with Daddy that I have mostly avoided my quiet times and intimacy because it is so painful. I can't spend time with God without missing my Dad. At the same time, I feel the closest to him then too. I'm really going to have to get over this! This would not make Dad happy at all, and I am quite certain God's not too pleased either. God is still so gracious and runs to meet me every time I get in his general vicinity: Christian radio, church, talks with Daisy about God (she is so passionately in love with Him, it's all she wants to talk about - she's like a mama bird predigesting the food for me and spoon feeding me -- literary license with that image because I can't stomach the whole throwing it up in the baby bird's mouth image). I was privileged to lead Daisy to the Lord and mentor her for a season, but she has carried me through this past year, giving me life-saving infusions of God and some of her passion to carry me along. God sends us what we need even when we're too weak (or stupid) to get it for ourselves. He remains gracious and patient, even during this long dark year-long winter of grief. Love to you all. Cari