Springtime in Dallas

The calendar says May, but it still feels like winter in my mind most of the time. The trees and flowers are blooming and thunderstorms roll through, so I guess the thaw is setting in. I (Eileen) have wanted to post an update for a long time now, but every time I sit down to write my mind shuts down and I spend the time looking at the slide show on my screen saver, crying, or just letting my mental hard drive run the loop of memories stored there for just such an occasion. It’s been over seven months of hard grieving, bittersweet times with the family together and apart, and coming to grips with our new reality. For me personally, it’s just the beginning of trying to find the person God intends for me to be in this new season of life.

You all know how young I was when I met Tom – who I am today does not even resemble who I was at 15. I’ve thought a lot lately about God being the potter and us the clay. The shaping of the vessel I became was formed in the context of my life with Tom. Everything my life revolved around included his presence. That isn’t completely scrapped with him gone; I will always be Tom’s wife, just without him present with me now. I’ve been wondering though how much of what I think and do is motivated by who I thought Tom wanted me to be rather than who I really am.

The last week in April, DeeDee, Cari, Suzanne and I rented a house on the coast in Oregon and spent a week together. They scrapbooked their brains out and I couch potatoed. We listened to music, ate, watched old movies, ate, cried, ate and they scrapped. I read a couple of books and then got out my poetry. First time since Tom died, and I was surprised to find I still have stuff in me that wants to come out. Several old ones and one new one kind of tell where I’m at these days.

CHANGE

Just when I’m certain I have it down pat
And think I’ve discovered where life’s really at.
God say’s to Himself it’s really a fact
She’s much too complacent to leave her like that.

What good can come from just trusting herself
And letting her gifts lie unused on the shelf?
Let’s gather her up and take her on back
To the refining wheel in the pottery shack.

This doesn’t seem fair I hear my mind roar.
This lesson was learned; I’ve been here before.
But God takes the layers of my life apart
And patiently peels them away from my heart.

I wiggle and squirm and tear my hair out.
In anger I cry what is this all about?
There seems no response to the words that I pray.
He just keeps on working this misshapen clay.

So slowly at first, then flooding in fast
Come truths long forgotten He taught in the past.
The process is sure, no mistake does He make,
His vessel He’s molding for eternity’s sake.


I AM HER

When life intrudes and I feel stressed and burdens on my soul do press
I have a place I must confess, a soul retreat where I find rest.
I share this room inside of me with one whose face you never see
She is the person I can’t be, my other personality.

She say’s the things that I cannot, this other person that I’m not.
She doesn’t cry, get mad or hot, she has the poise I haven’t got.
Her skin if fresh, it’s taut and young, her body thin and lean and strong.
She climbs the stairs, her stride is long, she exercises with a song.

She stands up tall, looks straight ahead, can speak her mind without my dread.
She’s faithful and she’s Spirit led, this person living in my head.
I wish that I could be like her, so confident – so right – so sure;
Articulate with motives pure, take charge of life, not just endure.

But I don’t know just who she is, this person who inside me lives.
Who reaches out and to me gives the hope that I could be like this.
Just now and then, not often true, I sense that I am coming to
A place in life, for me brand new, I’ll let my other self break through.

I’ll take the mask off from my face. I’ll risk it all and pray God’s grace
Will hold me there in that new place - to confidently life embrace.
Then you will see a me brand new, renewed in mind and body too.
It is a dream that can come true; someday she will come shining through.


I wrote those a few years ago – long before my life storm. Isn’t it amazing how God prepares our hearts with the answers to the questions we don’t even know to ask yet. This one is new.


MEMORIES

I spend a lot of time these days remembering the past.
I contemplate the life I’ve lived that flew by way too fast.
In memory I walk the aisle and clasp the outstretched hand
Of one who was designed for me in God’s eternal plan.

I feel again the warm enchantment of each babe in arms
And relive their accomplishments and marvel at their charms.
I’m overwhelmed with thankfulness for God’s amazing care
And each and every moment He allowed us all to share.

I think about the places that we lived both far and near
About the friends we came to love, each one so very dear.
The seasons of our life became a treasure that we stored
Now drawn upon in reverie just like a rich reward.

I hear again the melody of love’s angelic song.
It stirs to life my frozen heart once more to sing along.
For even though the life once lived is never more to be
I hold each joyful moment safe within my memory.


Hopefully in the next few days we can post a few pictures to update everyone on what we've been doing the last few months. Until then, thanks for all the cards, calls, prayers and encouragement. We couldn't have made it this far without you.