THANKSGIVING

Hot Summer days spent at Huntington Beach
Moonlit Fall night skies with stars in our reach

Lake Placid, The Tetons and Maui rainbows

The first perfect dew sprinkled lavender rose

The world was created our pleasure in view

Dear Father, we take time today to thank you.

Two separate lives brought together in time

Right from the beginning you planned us entwined

So uniquely different, twins deep in our soul

Love bound us together in one perfect whole

The mystery of marriage is awesome to view

Dear Father, we take time today to thank you.

Our firstborn, the promise of eternity

We sense your deep pupose in her destiny

Her husband a gift far exceeding our dream

With grandchildren added who make our heart sing

The world through their lives can see your point of view

Dear Father, we take time today to thank you.

A grandfathers vision the hope of his dad

Our son has exceeded each dream that we had

His true heart and soulmate you planned from the start

Their children reflecting the love in their heart

For the promise fulfilled with your purpose in view

Dear Father, we take time today to thank you.

Along came the bonus, our hearts dear delight

Sunshine and laughter with tears in the night

With her gifts she waited for your perfect choice

A husband and father who follows your voice

Redeeming love through their lives we can view

Dear Father, we take time today to thank you.

While this day we'll gather with those we hold dear

In body and spirit our hearts are brought near

It seems we can see past life's gulf to the shore

Where others are dining who've gone on before

Our Godly inheritance we pause to view

Dear Father, we take time today to thank you.

From your bountiful hand each gift we receive

Family, friends and the air that we breathe

Most amazing of all in our sin and our loss

You sent your dear Son in our place to the cross

The world through our lives now your glory can view

Dear Father, we take time today to thank you.

While others exalt Mr. Tom Turkey Day

And bow down with reverence as our Cowboy's play

We join with one voice; each heart pauses to pray

Lifting our face with Thanksgiving we say

We're overwhelmed when your full plan we view

Dear Father, for all this today we thank you.

........Happy Thanksgiving with love, Eileen

50 YEARS AGO TODAY

MASTERPIECE

As she came towards him down the aisle with grace

A precious hush swept o'er that holy place

The organ swelled and music filled the air

And love enveloped all who joined them there.

They came before the altar rail to meet

And to Almighty God their vows repeat

Untested yet by life, they knelt to pray

It was a very special wedding day.

The Heavenly Weaver turned to face His loom

Plied expertly a willing bride and groom

With threads of gold and silver He began

And started weaving His eternal plan.

With joy they faced the future side by side

The beginning of a high adventure ride

They purposed that their lives would outward reach

And to their world a silent sermon preach.

Without restraint they rushed life to embrace

and shared with others God's amazing grace

They worked within the Master's harvest field

Their joint commitment by the Spirit sealed.

Blessing followed blessing year by year

They set aside the time God's voice to hear

A special path I have for you He said

And trustingly they followed where He led.

God's calling changed their family landscape

The Weaver saw His pattern taking shape

It followed His eternal timeless plan

He worked His purpose in by loving hand.

Threads of darker hue they weren't above

He added others blood-dyed by His love

They poured themselves like oil at His feet

And found His grace sufficient and complete.

Our eyes see just a one dimension span;

The Master has no limits such as man

He lives ahead in time, and that's why when

Before they knew to ask, He answered them.

Though parted for awhile in wrenching pain

The Weaver's tender care will still remain

Completing what he planned right from the start

He binds them close and joins them at His heart.

It doesn't seem it possibly can

Be fifty years since their life first began

But I am sure their storehouse up above

Is filled with golden treasure mined by love.

The impact of their lives won't be revealed

Until eternal books have been unsealed.

Presenting white robed trophies at His feet

Without regret their Saviour they will meet.

With unveiled eyes His Masterpiece they'll see

A wrinkled canvas, tangled hopelessly.

They they'll perceive from Heaven's lofty height

A precious jeweled Shepherd's Crown of Life. 

Eileen Hardeman

A Day of Mourning

"Why is tonight different from all other nights?"  I feel like a Jewish child asking the yearly question.  But, I have no answer.

HEAVENLY CELEBRATION

What fun they must be having. Tom, his Mom & Dad celebrating that birthday they shared back on earth (when time meant something). We still remember - celebrate - miss - and give thanks for that wonderful day God gave you to us

AUGUST 12

WHAT A HAPPY DAY

From all of us still tethered by time to those released from earth's shackles

                                                                                     HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Christmas Candle

It's been a joyous holiday, now it's the end of Christmas Day.
Gifts all opened; dinner past, the kids are gone; it's quiet at last.
There is a sense of timelessness, a fleeting touch of loneliness;
The Christmas candle flame burns low, my mind sees pitures in its glow.

This is the season I love best; worth all the strain and lack of rest.
There's such excitement, smiles and fun, for just a while old hearts are young.
Loved carols we take time to sing around the tree in one big ring
Then someone reads, though all have heard, the timeless message from God's Word.

It's been the same from year to year, the sacred story we all hear
Of angels singing Peace on Earth to celebrate the Saviors's birth.
Redeeming Love's eternal plan, as God's own son became a man;
Reminding each one once again where Christmas really first began.

The river of of our life flows past, the current moving way too fast.
Your presences still feels very near, God-sent from heaven it is clear.
Our lives were blended from the start; we never dreamed we'd have to part;
I bless the life, unique and rare that we were priveledged to share.

Though distance seems to lie between, it's not as far as it might seem,
For in the candlelight I see, the cord that binds you close to me.
Look there in heaven's candle glow, the cord you'll see, and then you'll know
In spirit we are not apart, I carry you right in my heart.

Merry Christmas, darling Tom

Eileen
December 25, 2007

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY

On the day that you were born
the angels got together,
And decided to create a dream come true,
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair
And golden starlight in your
eyes of blue...

My Thoughts Today - Eileen

Have you ever wanted to pinch yourself to see if the life you’re living is a dream? I remember being so happy in the moment that I was sure that one day I would wake up and find I had imagined the fairy tale ending my life had become. I really did meet the prince, he carried me off and we lived happily ever after. Well, happily after anyway – the ever part came to an abrupt end August 20, 2006.

Sometimes when we tell Tom stories we tend to make him a super human person – he was so “larger than life.” Lately, I’ve been trying to go back and remember with honesty the man I met, the young, restless, undisciplined, wild child he was in 1957. I’ve been telling Tommy "Grandpa stories" of our dating days; the drag race champ, the water balloon throwing rascal he really was. I’m not sure his dad appreciates my honesty, but it’s fun to see his eyes grow round and his incredulous grin as he tries to reconcile his memory of Grandpa with the in-process reality of a teenage Patriarch-to-be. How did I miss the fact that this current generation doesn’t know “the story?” What a shame it would be to let all those lessons hard learned go to waste. Surely, some of what schooled us so painfully could be passed on so that a few might possibly avoid those pitfalls in their own journey.

And so I relive the early days, opening doors in my memory closet long sealed. And find – oh yes, a fairy tale, waiting to be told.

Once upon a time, in a land far way……….

To be continued….

A Year Ago Today ...

I woke up this morning thinking, a year ago today we were together in Maui, blissfully unaware of the tempest that awaited us upon our return to "home sweet home". We were nearing the end of our trip, returning to Portland on the 30th. On July 29th, Tommy arranged for Mom and Dad to have their portrait drawn by a local artist near and dear to Dad's heart (Dad had commissioned many of his grandkids portraits from him). This artist sat in the heart of Front street, and we made our way there for the appointment. I was dreading it because I figured it would be a boring hour or two. But the memories of that hour and a half we sat there stand out in my mind in shining relief. Dad was so healthy and tan. He didn't let on that he was having any discomfort. We had the impending surgery (to harvest the cancer tissue) and subsequent vaccine scheduled shortly after our return to Dallas. Then we could sit back and watch God work through the brilliant mind and hands of Dr Nemunaitis. All was right with the world for that moment in time -- it was as if reality and the world were put on hold for those 8 amazing days and it was just us again, Mom and Dad and us three "kids". Hector and Caleb were there for the first few days. But my amazing husband, who is so sensitive and discerning, decided after only a day or two to move he and Caleb to the Marriott and give the Puamana house to the five of us. I thought that was silly and argued the point, but he insisted. What a gift that was! Slow moving, lazy mornings with coffee and Good Morning America. Eventually we moved en mass t0 the "adult pool" (a/k/a the quiet pool) to read and get splashed by the waves just when a cool-down was needed. A little afternoon snooze for Dad in the recliner, snacking on macadamia nut caramel corn and spicy rice crackers. Getting ready for the latest culinary delight in our culinary tour of Maui, I think it was Plantation House that night. We gave Dad a hat or shirt from every one of his favorite places, and we hit them all on that trip. God gave us so many gifts during Daddy's illness, but this was definitely the cherry to top them all. Sweet lazy days with no distractions, just precious fellowship with one another. I know now why Jesus went away to spend time alone with His Father to gain strength. God granted us that time to gather our strength for the enormous trial that awaited us. He was gracious enough to allow us to be unaware of the intent of this oasis. I can close my eyes now and am transported back so clearly to those sweet Maui days with my laughing, handsome, tan, healthy Dad. How desperately I miss him! I read over the blog from the Maui posts up through those final days in the hospital. I sometimes long even for those times, God's presence was so near you could reach out and touch it. I can barely feel it now, but it's me who has moved, not Him. I finally came to realize that my image of God is so intrinsically linked with Daddy that I have mostly avoided my quiet times and intimacy because it is so painful. I can't spend time with God without missing my Dad. At the same time, I feel the closest to him then too. I'm really going to have to get over this! This would not make Dad happy at all, and I am quite certain God's not too pleased either. God is still so gracious and runs to meet me every time I get in his general vicinity: Christian radio, church, talks with Daisy about God (she is so passionately in love with Him, it's all she wants to talk about - she's like a mama bird predigesting the food for me and spoon feeding me -- literary license with that image because I can't stomach the whole throwing it up in the baby bird's mouth image). I was privileged to lead Daisy to the Lord and mentor her for a season, but she has carried me through this past year, giving me life-saving infusions of God and some of her passion to carry me along. God sends us what we need even when we're too weak (or stupid) to get it for ourselves. He remains gracious and patient, even during this long dark year-long winter of grief. Love to you all. Cari

EILEEN SAYS IT'S PARTY TIME

Well, folks the time is upon us. I have been pondering (yes that's a word) for months how I'm going to deal with August - all those celebrations (birthdays, anniversary, home going). My instinct says RUN!!!!! I've browsed all the web sites for exotic cruises, trips to the Orient, and seats on the space shuttle to avoid thinking about "the date." I keep coming back to the question, "how would Tom observe this occasion." Any of you who knew Tom for 5 minutes would know the answer (it was his answer for every occasion) - LET'S HAVE A PARTY!!! What did Tom like to do best to celebrate?? Eat, sing, dance and laugh. So.........come on to my house on August 18th between 2:00 p.m. and whenever to do all of the above. I need to do a little preparation so if you plan to come please post a reply and we'll expect you for a little music, a little Mexican (food of course) and a lot of remembering, laughter and maybe a few tears. Party Tom style.

P.S. Haven't you heard? Dancing is no longer a sin. Tom is doing it in heaven right now!!

Father's Day - Without My Father, But Not Fatherless

This is the Hardeman family as I remember it. Our lives were filled with laughter ... Even when times were tough, the first lonely years after we moved to a new state and didn't have friends. We had each other, and Mom and Dad had a way of making that enough. They filled our lives with purpose, fun, and work. But we actually enjoyed being together and Daddy was the life of the party, even when it was only a party of 5 (then 6, 7, etc.). I miss that so much! So today is Father's Day, and how do I compose a Father's Day card without being maudlin? I want to be maudlin, self-indulgent and pour out all the details of the agonizing emptiness of this day. But I won't (oh wait ... maybe I just did, a little). Anyway, I was looking back at the posts from last Father's Day (June 18, 2006) and reading the tributes to Daddy so beautifully expressed by so many who love him so much. The continuing theme is that Daddy pointed the way to God with his life. He is having a magnificent Father's Day with both his earthly father and his true Father. What a day this must have been for him!!! How envious I am! I am trying so hard to learn to find my refuge in the Lord, to allow him to be that Daddy I so desperately miss. The months that have elapsed since Daddy went home have been beyond anything I could imagine in the depths we have experienced and in the mere fact that we have survived. It was inconceivable to imagine a world without Dad (it still is), but here we are after all. And God still has a purpose and job for us to do. So like we were taught as children, we work first, then we play. The grief has been debilitating, but we truly desire to honor our father and Father with our lives. So it's time to pick up that life, figure out what we're supposed to do with it and get on with it.

One of the things I would like to do is compile stories of how Daddy impacted different people's lives. Whether it was a massive change of life direction, salvation, career stuff, whatever ... There are some remarkable tales out there and they shouldn't be lost. Someday, it may even be a book. A living illustration of God's desire to bless others through a life lived generously and "out loud" for all to see. A man bold enough to say "if you want to see Jesus, look at me". Far from perfect, but perfectly transparent with a heart that desired to please his Father and an acute awareness that the outrageous blessings God poured out on him were not his alone. He shared of himelf and his "stuff" freely, and God just kept pouring it on. If more people could grasp this, God's work would never lack for funding or volunteers. "Blessed to be a blessing" was the theme of my father's life. It's one I want to share, if God blesses me with inspiration and opportunity. Your lives are the canvas upon which this masterpiece was painted. This particular painting is done, and it's one that should be shared. Please take the time to email me your stories (crsepulveda@aol.com). It's a father's day tribute I am longing to begin.

And Daddy, I miss you more than there are words to express (and I have lots of words). I love you, I love you, I love you!!! I am so thankful you were my Dad, and pray the fruit of my life will bring you joy and many treasures in heaven when my race is finally run. I'll see you at the Bema seat soon. Cari

Springtime in Dallas

The calendar says May, but it still feels like winter in my mind most of the time. The trees and flowers are blooming and thunderstorms roll through, so I guess the thaw is setting in. I (Eileen) have wanted to post an update for a long time now, but every time I sit down to write my mind shuts down and I spend the time looking at the slide show on my screen saver, crying, or just letting my mental hard drive run the loop of memories stored there for just such an occasion. It’s been over seven months of hard grieving, bittersweet times with the family together and apart, and coming to grips with our new reality. For me personally, it’s just the beginning of trying to find the person God intends for me to be in this new season of life.

You all know how young I was when I met Tom – who I am today does not even resemble who I was at 15. I’ve thought a lot lately about God being the potter and us the clay. The shaping of the vessel I became was formed in the context of my life with Tom. Everything my life revolved around included his presence. That isn’t completely scrapped with him gone; I will always be Tom’s wife, just without him present with me now. I’ve been wondering though how much of what I think and do is motivated by who I thought Tom wanted me to be rather than who I really am.

The last week in April, DeeDee, Cari, Suzanne and I rented a house on the coast in Oregon and spent a week together. They scrapbooked their brains out and I couch potatoed. We listened to music, ate, watched old movies, ate, cried, ate and they scrapped. I read a couple of books and then got out my poetry. First time since Tom died, and I was surprised to find I still have stuff in me that wants to come out. Several old ones and one new one kind of tell where I’m at these days.

CHANGE

Just when I’m certain I have it down pat
And think I’ve discovered where life’s really at.
God say’s to Himself it’s really a fact
She’s much too complacent to leave her like that.

What good can come from just trusting herself
And letting her gifts lie unused on the shelf?
Let’s gather her up and take her on back
To the refining wheel in the pottery shack.

This doesn’t seem fair I hear my mind roar.
This lesson was learned; I’ve been here before.
But God takes the layers of my life apart
And patiently peels them away from my heart.

I wiggle and squirm and tear my hair out.
In anger I cry what is this all about?
There seems no response to the words that I pray.
He just keeps on working this misshapen clay.

So slowly at first, then flooding in fast
Come truths long forgotten He taught in the past.
The process is sure, no mistake does He make,
His vessel He’s molding for eternity’s sake.


I AM HER

When life intrudes and I feel stressed and burdens on my soul do press
I have a place I must confess, a soul retreat where I find rest.
I share this room inside of me with one whose face you never see
She is the person I can’t be, my other personality.

She say’s the things that I cannot, this other person that I’m not.
She doesn’t cry, get mad or hot, she has the poise I haven’t got.
Her skin if fresh, it’s taut and young, her body thin and lean and strong.
She climbs the stairs, her stride is long, she exercises with a song.

She stands up tall, looks straight ahead, can speak her mind without my dread.
She’s faithful and she’s Spirit led, this person living in my head.
I wish that I could be like her, so confident – so right – so sure;
Articulate with motives pure, take charge of life, not just endure.

But I don’t know just who she is, this person who inside me lives.
Who reaches out and to me gives the hope that I could be like this.
Just now and then, not often true, I sense that I am coming to
A place in life, for me brand new, I’ll let my other self break through.

I’ll take the mask off from my face. I’ll risk it all and pray God’s grace
Will hold me there in that new place - to confidently life embrace.
Then you will see a me brand new, renewed in mind and body too.
It is a dream that can come true; someday she will come shining through.


I wrote those a few years ago – long before my life storm. Isn’t it amazing how God prepares our hearts with the answers to the questions we don’t even know to ask yet. This one is new.


MEMORIES

I spend a lot of time these days remembering the past.
I contemplate the life I’ve lived that flew by way too fast.
In memory I walk the aisle and clasp the outstretched hand
Of one who was designed for me in God’s eternal plan.

I feel again the warm enchantment of each babe in arms
And relive their accomplishments and marvel at their charms.
I’m overwhelmed with thankfulness for God’s amazing care
And each and every moment He allowed us all to share.

I think about the places that we lived both far and near
About the friends we came to love, each one so very dear.
The seasons of our life became a treasure that we stored
Now drawn upon in reverie just like a rich reward.

I hear again the melody of love’s angelic song.
It stirs to life my frozen heart once more to sing along.
For even though the life once lived is never more to be
I hold each joyful moment safe within my memory.


Hopefully in the next few days we can post a few pictures to update everyone on what we've been doing the last few months. Until then, thanks for all the cards, calls, prayers and encouragement. We couldn't have made it this far without you.

Missing You Tonight

I'm sitting here, at 2:00 a.m., missing you sooo much tonight. It seems to come in waves now, rather than the sustained pain that never seemed to go away. I'm not quite sure when that changed. But it seems to make the pain even sharper when it hits because it's only then that I'm aware of the absence of it. The past three days have been so hard. I actually cried in my exercise class today because they were playing a Nora Jones song during the cool down and it reminded me of Eva Cassiday. Who in this family can EVER hear Eva Cassiday and not think of Daddy? I can't bring myself to watch Extreme Makeover - Home Edition either. Sometimes I cry when the commercials come on because I remember the sweet, soft look Dad would get when he would watch that show. He cried every time! And we all cried with him. Now I cry alone. It's kind of gotten to the point where I don't really call Mom or DeeDee or Tommy when I'm have a really tough time, just in case they are doing okay. I don't want to send them on a spiral. This is a lot more lonely section of the grief road because of that. There are some things that I can still remember about Daddy with such clarity. The way it felt when he hugged me and the exact place my head rested on his chest; the broken sound of his voice when he was deeply moved in prayer calling out to God; the half crooked schmoozy smile he got on his face when he sang (he looked like one of those heart throb crooner's from the '50s); the way I could always hear his voice in any crowd when we were singing in church; the way I could always find that gorgeous silver head towering above all the others in a room; the nightly annointing and prayer before he went to bed (those memories are soooo precious to me because they are shared by so few); his rituals: Casey's "W", dishes right after dinner, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, news, coffee, then hot tub, the constant thread of him whistling around the house while he did his chores. Tonight I'm not sure how I can live the rest of my days without these wonderful treasures that have been a constant rhythm throughout my life when I sometimes lost my way and went "home". I could always find that rhythm there. It was a sure as sunrise and sunset. Like so much else in Dad's life, he was trying to point the way to the sureness of "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever". But I do so miss the tangible image of my Daddy pointing the way with his life. Maranatha - come quickly Lord Jesus ... for this and so many more reasons.

Year In Review - Bo Flores

A Year in Review
February 6, 2007
2:00 A.M.

To say that this was “quite a year” would be the understatement of all time. While it is far too painful for me to recall all of the emotions I have felt over the past year, I have felt a strong desire to do my best to remember the journey that I have been taken on over the last 365 days. How the world can change in 365 days. 8,760 hours ago our world changed forever.
It has now been a full year from that fateful afternoon when I received a text while sitting in the library doing homework from my sister simply saying, “Call Dad.” I knew something was up, but would have never in a million years been able to imagine the significance of what I was about to hear. I immediately called my dad. “Bo, we got some tough news today,” he said. I had the feeling that someone had died, but hoped that it would be another call to arms to pray for a cousin struggling to find the Lord again or something of that nature. “We found out today that Grandpa has a form of cancer, and we’re not exactly sure how bad it is.”
The words rang in my ear for an eternity. In the moment before words could come to my mouth, I had twenty different scenarios play before my eyes. “This isn’t that bad and Grandpa will be fine in a couple of weeks.” “This cancer is worse than we thought, but Grandpa is going to find a way to beat it and will forever change how the world battles cancer.” “This cancer is the worst kind ever found, and God heals him miraculously and gets all of the glory” (that one was my favorite). “Grandpa is sicker than it seems and time is running out.” I erased the last one as quickly as it arrived. That was not a possibility. That couldn’t happen to us.
The next few hours were a blur, as I am sure they were for everyone when the first heard the news. I spoke with Grandpa on the phone, and for only the third time I can remember, I heard him cry. Being the man that I was at the age of 21, I decided that I would be strong during the conversation. I lasted 2.5 seconds before breaking down myself. He was scared, like the rest of us. It caught me off guard.
I flew to Dallas the following weekend. I needed to be with the family. We had all been praying in our separate corners of the world, but it was time to come together and take this thing before our Mighty God together. (He is still mighty, by the way.) There was something in the air that night as the family gathered in the living room. With perhaps 30 of us there, we began to call on the Living God. I believe He answered. We worshiped together, praising His holy name. We thanked Him for being a loving, caring God who has always provided. We asked Him to use His unlimited strength to heal our Grandpa. But more than anything, we asked for His perfect and sovereign will to be accomplished in our family. Though we all knew what that could have meant, looking back I think, “If I only knew what I know now, I am not so sure I would still have asked for that.”
One thing I have learned this year is that regardless of what we want of ask for, God still accomplished His perfect will. Sometimes I just fail to see what is so darn perfect about it. Fortunately, He is God and I am not.
The Holy Spirit met us that night, and I believe that from that night of prayer we found strength that would last us the next six months, and beyond. Each of us prayed for Grandpa, we anointed him with oil, we laid hands on him, and we surrendered our Grandpa to God’s will.
The next few months were more of a ride than any rollercoaster any of us had been on. There were ups, moments of good news, proper responses to treatments, and promising outlooks. There downs, bad news from doctors and disappointing responses to treatments. But through the entire process, one thing remained constant. We were on our knees before God the whole time. Moods changed. God did not. Neither did our devotion to seek Him through the entire affair. I recall one night in Dallas when at around 2 A.M. I came downstairs to lay on my face in the living room and cry out to God. My Aunt Cari was already there doing that very thing. I found another place to go.
Through the ups and downs, things were going as closely to plan as we could have hoped for. Grandpa was going to have surgery on August 10th. It was going to be a painful process, but they were going to get the cancer out and he would eventually be all better. We couldn’t wait. Things were already getting back to normal. We knew this because Grandpa was doing what he always did, which was to go to Hawaii. Little did we know that our world was about to come crashing down around us, and our bold praise of a Healing God would soon become whimper for help as we splashed around in life looking for a life-preserver. God would be that for us, too.
There are those who can give much more information on what actually happened at this part of the story (Dr. Cari). I am only trying to recall what it was like from my point of view. Grandpa was having stomach problems and went to the emergency room to have them relieved. That was all it was supposed to be. He was feeling great, was full of energy, was walking his puppy and was back in Texas making his usual trips to Costco. We had all figured out what God was going to do, or so we thought.
I was receiving up to the moment updates on Grandpa’s bowel movements from Dr. Cari and was doing my best not be alarmed by Grandpa’s trip to the hospital. As long as the eagle was still landing, everything was fine (medical terminology for Grandpa's B.M.s provided by Dr. Cari). I was at a movie with another pastor from my church when I received a phone call from my Uncle Tommy asking me if I could make it to Dallas in the next couple of days.
Apparently the eagle wasn’t so much the problem. This was a cancer related issue, and things were becoming more and more unsure. He told me that the family was gathering again and it would be good if I could make it. No matter how busy your life may be, it goes on hold at times like this. I think I was in Dallas two days later. I was not sure what to expect when I arrived, but I never imagined that we were just days out from the end.
The look on my Uncle Tommy’s face while picking my sister and I up at the baggage claim of DFW told me more than any words I had heard in the last few days. This was bad. Very bad. I thought I had prepared myself for the worst. This was worse. Uncle Tommy, Kristin and I went to the hospital the next morning to see Grandpa. Aunt Cari met the three of us in the lobby.
She gave us some details on Grandpa’s condition. I heard no words. My mind was mostly focused on keeping a constant dialog with God, anywhere between “I trust you with my Grandpa” and “You had better not do this to us!” I wonder if God laughs when the little creatures wave their little finger at Him in an attempt to have things their way. I bet I would.
There could be volumes written over the next 10 days. I do not have it in me to go into too great of detail. Each was spent in either the waiting room or the hospital room. Grandpa was tired, and in his very Grandpa-like way felt the need to entertain anyone around him. So we did our best to keep visitors to a minimum. Everyone wanted to see him. I doubt any person in the history of hospitals has felt more loved than my Grandpa must have felt while there.
Nights were my favorite time. I was at the hospital for only two, but I did my best to soak up every moment while in his presence. Night was when you could sit with Grandpa for hours. I did not know that people would sleep during their 2-5 A.M. shifts with Grandpa. I wouldn’t have anyways. I sat awake in his hospital room for hours and hours during the night. I type away on my laptop, saving my thoughts and feelings at the time. There are thoughts of peace and praise, confusion and hurt, and other thoughts that include language that would result in a mouth full of soap from Grandma. I also prayed. I asked God for help in the days to come. More than anything else though, I sat and stared.
I watched him sleep. Listened to his breath. Timed the noise of the pump sucking fluid out of his stomach. Saw him struggle with the various tubes going in and out of his tired body. Listened as he, in a morphine induced state, fired me from U.P.S., but reassured me that my loss wouldn’t be all that great to the company that the company would be just fine. Brown till the end, he was. I even saw him, using the air, write a few very important errands in his pocket secretary. I can still hear the soft background sound of Lorraine and Jubilee Six giving praises to the King.
I woke up on the morning of Saturday, August 19th on the floor of the hospital room surrounded by the cousins. We had had a sleepover with Grandpa one last time. I had to catch a flight back to California to get to school. I was a week behind in the year already. After getting dressed, I slipped into Grandpa’s room for one last precious moment with him. We knew we were getting close now.
What are you supposed to say in that moment? I have no idea. Knowing this would be the last time I would see my Grandpa alive, I knew I needed to say something good, something for him to remember me by. Instead, I just told him that I loved him, and that I would see him soon. I laid my head on his still strong hand and I cried for a moment. Then I gathered myself and walked out. After popping a Zanex, or whatever “helper pill” the family was using at the time, I went to put on my watch. The battery had died in the night. “A little to weird for me to think about right now,” I thought.
I flew back to California and did my best to get settled in. I actually never unpacked my bag. My mom called me around 11 o’clock that night. “It’s over,” she said. The next moment was a rush of so many different emotions that I dare not try to figure out what it was. I was back in Dallas that Tuesday for the funeral and a few days of grieving with the family.
The funeral was a wonderful time of worshiping and remembering, though it was the most painful thing I have ever done. I would say that God met us there, but in reality He didn’t have to meet us anywhere because He never left us. We hugged on each other, cried together, and clung to one another like never before. I think Grandpa’s legacy was visible in the flesh in the Bent Tree sanctuary that afternoon.
I then went back to California, and have been living my life ever since, whatever that means. Some days are good, some days not so good. Every month on the 20th I check off another tally on my mental list of “How many months since we gave Grandpa back to God”. Occasionally I have brief moments of panic where I realize again that Grandpa isn’t coming back, and there is no way on earth I can do this thing called life without him. Then I remember that it was never my Grandpa seeing me through life, but God through my Grandpa. That’s what Grandpa did. He allowed himself to be used by God in whatever way God saw fit. The Holidays were hard, but we all made it through in one piece (some more “sea” sick than others). And here I am, awake at 4:00 A.M., wondering what this next year may hold. What will I write on February 6th, 2008? Let’s just pray it isn’t another one of these.
I suppose after writing all of this, I should end with my giant, life changing revelation that I received through all of this. Try hard as I might, I can only come up with this well known, rarely understood truth: God is God; I am not God. He knows what He is doing, especially when we don’t. He won’t abandon us. He doesn’t leave us to flail around in the ocean of life. He may let us tread water for a bit, but we are never out of His reach.
Our Mighty God saw us through this last year. He will see us through this next year, too. At times the future seems to scary to walk into, but the same God who carried us through the last 365 days will see us through the next 365 days. And in the blink of an eye we will be face to face with our Savior, and over His shoulder, standing among the saints of the ages, will be our Grandpa, waiting to show us the house God had him build for us.

Holiday Survival

Wow, what a couple of months. Rachel got married November 4 and it was a wonderful, bittersweet affair. Then we had Thanksgiving here in Houston and Mom went to Oregon for about a month. Mom hibernated in her subterranean hideout (a.k.a. basement apartment) over Thanksgiving. Kristin ventured down there to keep her company every now and then. It was a tough Thanksgiving for her and the reality that surviving the holidays just means we come up for air only to realize that we have to survive the rest of our lives. There is no relief on the other side of our survival. She flew back to Dallas a few days before coming to Houston for Christmas. We left on Christmas Eve for a Christmas cruise on Carnival for 7 days. We went to Jamaica (man), Grand Cayman and Cozumel. The cruise was fun, but depression hit quickly on the heels of our desperate attempt at holiday cheer. It was so "un-Christmas", which is what we were striving for. But our hope lies in the message of Christmas and we lost the essence of that in our endeavor to escape the pain of the loss of our deeply cherished holiday traditions. We'll try to achieve a better balance next year. In the mean time, my family is so glad I've emerged from my funk and finally took a bath after three or four days (ooooooh!). I still haven't put on make-up or anything other than sweats, but we do what we can.

Grief - Uninterrupted

I am sitting here tonight, as most nights, after the kids have finally gone to bed, and I take refuge in my bath or my bed, trying to be as quiet as I can. I cry, as I do most nights (in some weird way, I look forward to this). I know intellectually that my hope is in the Lord, He is sufficient, Daddy is in the presence of God, enjoying the very first fruits of his reward. But the pain is unbearable, and it comes out at night. It lurks through the busyness of the day, patient but present. I feel it always, but can push it aside when work, kids, Rachel's wedding, husband, house and church press in to a welcome distraction of comfortable chaos. But when all else ceases, the house has settled down, stores are closed and I can't escape any more, the grief presses in. I miss him soooo much! His laugh, energy, drive, enthusiasm, expectation ... you all knew him. Dad was big in every way ... he filled a room, a house, a life. He filled my life with so much security and happiness. The hole is so immense ... sometimes I just fall in. Like tonight. I am looking down the barrel of the rest of my life without the imposing force of my Dad. BLEAK! I'm floundering here. C.S. Lewis said that no one ever told him that grief felt so much like fear. That was so profoundly true in the days and weeks following Dad's death. But now that has morphed into a yawning chasm of longing, hurting, missing, fearing the loss of the finer aspects of my memories of him. The angle of his hands, how it felt to hold them... the lines on his face and how he looked at different angles ... the sound of his whistle around the house when he did the laundry, dishes, worked in the garage, whatever ... hearing his beautiful bass in church when I was standing near him and hearing that wonderful voice totally mess up the words to most of the songs (it sounded great anyway) ... the timbre of his voice; the smell of Mennen skin bracer, Vitalis hairspray, and Chapstick (I cry every time I use Chapstick); picking up the phone to call him when I don't know what else to do; waiting for him to come into town to fix everything that is broken around the house. This time it's me that's broken ... and he isn't here to fix it. I am soooo broken. All the experts say you have to grieve, cry, etc. I am grieving in all the right ways, yet I am so completely broken. There is no fixing this. I can't remember my kids names half the time, forget appointments, don't really care about work or the house. The forgetfullness is the most marked. Maybe it's just early onset dementia! Feels like it. And I cry at the most inopportune times. Grief is like Satan, just waiting for the right moment to pounce. And inevitably the right moment is the most embarrassing one. Shopping helps! For about five minutes. Drinking definitely doesn't help! You know how drinking is supposed to lower inhibitions? Well, it also lowers any resisitance to pain, fear, crying, etc. Not exactly a respite.

I know losing a parent and this whole process is supposed to be part of growing up and maturing, but it is highly overrated! I hate this more than anything I have ever experienced. I just can't see the upside. That's quite a departure for an eternal optimist.

BUT ... praise be to God that my hope is not in this finite life experience! I can declare in faith, but a faith that is confident, that I look forward to the day when I will see the face of both of my fathers, Heavenly and earthly. The interim looks grim to me right now, but that's only because I fail too often to look to the horizon. I hate grief -- but love my God. He'll see me through this too. But I can't help praying "Lord Jesus, come quickly!"

Cari

GRANDMA'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

This has been a month of ups and downs for the whole Hardeman clan, including me (Eileen). I’ve heard from many that you still check the blog every couple of days to see if we’ve added to it. Sorry about the long delay, but as you will see we have much to report.

We had a wonderful visit to Salem and held an outstanding Memorial Service for Tom on September 7th. It was similar to the one we had in Dallas, with Walt Edmonds giving a great tribute from a friend. The church provided a lovely buffet lunch in the family room and we stayed for a long time just visiting with friends and family.

The next Sunday West Salem Foursquare Church held a groundbreaking service on their beautiful property up on the hill overlooking the Willamette Valley (actually there were 3 services – 1 Saturday night and 2 Sunday morning. The parking areas were leveled and graveled, and there was a tent for the worship services and 2 tents for Christian Ed. All 3 services were packed out and it was soooooo exciting.


My big news is that following the 1st service on Sunday, I donned leather jacket and chaps, climbed on the back of my son's Harley and rode off into the sun (the sunset didn’t happen for another 6 hours). YES I DID – (I have pictures to prove it)!!!! Tom rode his Harley to Salem from Dallas with Robert, so it was either let him ride home alone (what mother could do that?) or go with him. The fact that I didn’t feel I had anything to lose made the decision easier. If I was ever going to do anything stupid, now was the time.

We went north on Interstate 5 through Portland and crossed the Columbia River to Vancouver. Tom had a map book with out of the way routes Harely recommends. We took Route 14 paralleling the river (we could look across and see I84 with all the trucks and traffic). Route 14 is just 2 lanes and meanders along following the river all the way to Idaho. We stopped for the night in Camas on the Washington/Idaho border.


Monday we took another Harley recommended ride following Highway 12 across northern Idaho along the Clearwater River. It is aptly named – you can see clear through it to the rocky riverbed. Every bend in the road we would see fly fishermen having the time of their lives. It was a magical ride. We stopped Monday night in Butte, Montana. It took me awhile to stretch the kinks out, but we had a nice dinner and I was asleep before dark!! No, not too tired!!!!


Tuesday we angled down through Yellowstone


and followed the Grand Teton’s to Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

We stayed at the historic Wort Hotel right on the square, so we could wander over and peruse the famous statue of the cowboy by Bud Boller and take lots of pictures.

Wednesday we backtracked a few miles and cut over 287 to visit Bud and Verna in Dubois. We had lunch with them and visited for a couple of hours, but since we heard the weather was turning bad Thursday we decided to head on over to 80 and spend the night in Rawlins. The problem is that when we rolled in at sunset, there was not a hotel room in the whole town, so we had to head on down 80 in the dark another 90 minutes to Laramie. Mama was not happy sharing that dark, cold road with all those 18 wheelers. That was the night we ordered room service (in Laramie that means Dominos). I was almost asleep before they delivered it.


The next day we followed 25 down through Colorado and the beautiful, scenic part of trip was over. We hit wind and traffic all the way through Colorado and stopped just outside of Amarillo in Dumas on Thursday night.


We got up early and hightailed it into Texas arriving at home about 2:00 p.m. Friday. We shocked Bo, who happened to be in Dallas for the week-end and my Mom who was staying at my house with Casey. I called Bob and Rhonda to tell them I was home and they actually didn’t believe it until they saw my “raccoon tan.”

Everyone has asked me if I was scared and the honest truth is that there were scary moments (when the wind gusts would hit us as we were passing a truck on the highway), but they were few and far between. For the most part it was fun, exciting and sometimes peaceful. I had no responsibilities, didn’t have to tell anyone “how I was doing” and had no decisions to make for almost a week. Who could ask for more? And the bonus is my son made it home safe (what an accomplishment)!
It didn't take long for Bradyn to remind Grandpa of the pleasures of home.

We’ve been home almost two weeks and have begun the process of adjusting to life with Tom in heaven, but me still here on earth (not an easy task). We are all taking it slow and easy, but making some small decisions. We are facing the holidays with trepidation, and I have decided to go to Oregon as usual for Thanksgiving (and Robert’s 50th birthday). Cari’s family and Tom’s family and I will take a cruise over Christmas week (DeeDee and Robert and family cannot get away). We’re heading off to sun and surf and hopefully celebrating Jesus birthday in a new and fresh way.

Well, enough rambling – enjoy the pictures, but I hope God has kept our madcap adventure from Tom. Otherwise, I’m going to get an earful when I get to heaven!!!

Tribute (read at the memorial service)

A TRIBUTE TO TOM HARDEMAN

I’m sure that everyone that attempts to pay tribute to my Dad will say the same thing, there is no way to adequately put into words what he has meant to us. But here is my feeble attempt.

My Dad was the greatest man I have ever known. Not just my Father, but my best friend. What I love about Dad is that he lived life to the fullest, he left nothing undone, and he invested his life in others and things eternal. I’m not sure that a more generous man has walked this earth. I’d like to pass on some of the life lessons he taught me, I’m sure many you will recognize if you spent any time at all with Dad.

- There is nothing as important as having Jesus Christ as your personal savior. This is not about religion, it’s about a personal relationship.
- Mom is more important than anyone or anything on earth. It’s not a matter of just loving your wife and respecting her, you need to honor her.
- Be firm, but fair.
- Be an A.C.E.: Attitude, Character, Enthusiasm
- Colossians 3:23 – “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”
- The most fulfilling thing you can do in life is to serve others.
- It really is better to give than receive.
- Set goals and then actually attain them.
- Always pay for dinner.
- Have fun in everything you do.
- Hard work is good for you.
- Laughing makes everything better.
- Grandkids are more fun than kids.
- Never quit.
- Pain and exhaustion are only temporary and should never stop you from completing a task.
- Praise in public and discipline in private.
- Next to doing a project, going to Maui is the best thing you can do.
- If you’re on time, you’re 15 minutes late.
- Integrity is more important than reputation.
- God gives us material possessions to bless others.

This is so inadequate. How can you put an entire lifetime of lessons into a letter? Dad showed me the character of Jesus Christ. What you saw of Dad at U.P.S., J.B. Hunt board meetings, church or working on a project was no act, that was him, he was the same wherever he was. Dad was the same if he was meeting with the President of the United States or interacting with the person serving him a hot dog at Costco. Dad walked and worked with some of the most powerful people in the land, but was just as happy teaching an orphan in Russia how to use his Dewalt, while putting in new bathrooms.

Dad will always be larger than life to me. I watched him live what he said. He taught me how to care and love. I spent much of my life doing projects with him, his true passion. He was a man of action, you never wanted to mention to Dad that you wanted to do something unless you were ready to have it done right then! Oh how he loved his grandkids. His love, lessons and legacy will live on through them.

The interesting thing about this tribute, is that it’s the last thing in the world Dad would want. He never sought recognition for the things he did. He did them because his passion was service. Dad’s life was a life well lived. He lived out Philippians 3:14 “I press on toward the goal to win the prize of which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

I love you Dad. I am blessed beyond all measure to have had the honor to call you my Father and to have shared you with so many. Thank you for the example you set. I will live my life trying to live up to that example. You gave each of your children and grandchildren your blessing and the heritage you have established will go on for generations to come. I long to see you again, to talk with you, to see your strong hands at work or to watch you pour your life into someone else. I miss you beyond measure and can hardly wait for the day I meet you in Heaven.

Tommy

We Remembered

Yesterday was a day to remember. We gathered, family and friends, to celebrate and remember. It was joyful, funny, worshipful and awesome. Our friend Jerry Pippin from Lorraine and the Jubilee Six days came from retirement in Colorado to play a beautiful prelude and sing, reminding us of our “roots.” Part of the West Salem Foursquare Church Worship team came to lead us to the throne in praise. Then Cari read a beautiful tribute to her Dad written by her brother Tom, and our friend Lauralee Farrer gave a ? (was that a tribute or a roast, Lauralee?) , and Robert did a magnificent job of reminding us of who Tom is and his impact on all our lives and presented an opportunity for those who hadn’t met the Master Tom serves to accept Him (I think 8 made decisions to follow Christ). Our friend Rusty Getter worked night and day since Monday to produce a fabulous slide tribute to Tom and we cried and laughed and praised together. Then we gathered in the back to eat and schmooze. Tom’s kind of party!!

We were honored to have many fly and drive in from around the country and there wasn't enough time to spend with you - we loved the hugs, but needed some good "sit-down" conversation. We will be having another memorial service in Salem on September 7, so we hope to see many of you there. Thanks to everyone who made the trip to Dallas (in the Texas August heat).

I do not have the words to thank everyone who has supported us to this point in our journey. We could not travel this road without you. We loved being with every one of you who were there and missed those who could not come. I am hearing every day from someone we had not contacted and for that I’m sorry. I have been moving through a kind of fog and every once in a while it clears and I remember someone I needed to call. Please forgive me.

Folks are leaving now, heading back to their own lives. Cari and DeeDee will stay through the weekend and then I’ll settle in to my new reality. I am still following the mandate the Lord gave me back in February. 'Don’t walk in tomorrows steps, I’m here with you today and I have all you need for now.' I’m trying – but tomorrow is looming, so keep praying for me.

We are still claiming “We Will Remember” by Tommy Walker as our “family song.” The second verse says:

When we walk through life’s darkest valley
We will look back at all You have done
And we will shout, our God is good
And He is the faithful One

We will remember, we will remember,
We will remember the work of your hand
We will stop and give you praise
For great is thy faithfulness.

We have a lot to remember and we know God is good and faithful.

Love, Eileen

A Night of Joyful Remembering

If you couldn't tell from Mom's amazing post, yesterday was their 48th wedding anniversary. For once in his life, Dad's timing was a bit less than wonderful on this occassion. We had a day of shopping topped off by a lovely dinner at Three Forks with us "kids" and Mom. It had to be an unbelievably difficult day, but she pulled it off with her usual grace under fire. This patient resilience was honed by years of Dad showing up with a dozen or so unannounced dinner guests, new cars he bought on a whim or any number of home appliances and furnishings from Costco. Her grace toward him and/or the recipients of his benevolent generosity was unfailing. It stood her in good stead yesterday and again today at the viewing. This evening was such a joyful time with friends and family who came to say "see you later" to Daddy. We had braced ourselves for the past few days for today and tomorrow. When we got to the funeral home, I kind of freaked out thinking "Oh my gosh, this is a funeral home." In my head I knew that's where we were going, but the reality of the hearses lined up and serious people escorting you back to the smell of lillies almost sent us running back to our cars. But then Mom and I got there (she was riding with me so of course we were late) and the faces of friends and family drove the terror away. Everyone was so perfect in their loving concern, support and desire to share their stories of Dad's impact in their lives. It was a time of much laughter and some tears. The amazing part is that the laughter far outweighed the tears. Their were people spilling out into the halls and other rooms, like a rowdy group of friends at a pot luck or party. This is the way Dad wanted his life celebrated. Thank you all for your concern and shared joyful grief tonight! We look forward to seeing God's hand move as we celebrate Dad's life tomorrow and watch God place the benediction on a life lived in service to Him. We hope to see all of you there who can possibly make it because it will be a party not to be missed.

48 WONDERFUL YEARS

Mr. and Mrs. Tom Hardeman

August 22, 1958

Toms Wife

When I was young and very green, he seemed a prize to claim.

Amazing grace, he noticed me, and like a moth to flame,

I fluttered 'round, his magnet drew me ever closer, 'til,

Our hearts were knit; we surely knew 'twas ever meant that life

Would bring us to the altar rail and I'd become Tom's wife.

How proud to claim that title dear, it meant the world to me.

I held his arm and circled near; he shared his life with me.

We traveled happily through time, the babies came, he filled my life.

As he began life's stair to climb, his stature grew without much strife.

My world secure, my heart sublime, I was content to be Tom's wife.

As children grew, and I explored a life removed from my safe shelf,

I questioned; then sometimes implored, am I someone just by myself?

I stepped out shakily to find a place to use my rusty mind.

It was such fun, but, scary too, to find a realm where I was queen.

He just looked on and smiled with rue, and shared the limelight spot with me.

But even as my world grew large we always kept the view

of what God planned and who's in charge and let Him do what He would do.

And as my feeble star ascended, we felt our hearts unite.

His manner never condescended, for underneath, not out of sight

was truth which never ended; He was secure, I would forever be Tom's wife.

Time has moved on, the world has turned; our halo's silver gray.

With family grown, some lessions learned, one thing has never moved away.

The joyful surge, the heart turned light, when first he turned to say;

I love you dear, come share my plight, and I said right away

My answers clear, this is so right, for I was born to be Tom's wife.

There's just one thing, just one thing more, that seems to bother me.

It seems that on that heavenly shore, our home for all eternity,

That God has planned, or so He said, we'll nether male nor female be.

Does this seem strange, can it be right? I must admit some stress and strife.

For heav'n to be endless delight, I surely will still be Tom's wife.

Eileen Hardeman

1999

Services and Memorials

HARDEMAN, TOM

Thomas Lindley Hardeman won his battle with pancreatic cancer August 20, 2006. With his family gathered in celebration, Tom passed into the presence of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Tom was born August 12, 1937 in Ventura California sharing that birthday with both his mother and father Thomas and Ida Hardeman. He married the love of his life Eileen August 22, 1958 and provided love, security and happiness for her and their three children DeeDee (Flores), Tom, and Cari (Sepulveda). He reveled in the pride and joy of nine grandchildren, Kristin and Bo Flores, Elizabeth, Tom and Julie Hardeman, Rachel, Tim and Sam Tenpenny and Caleb Sepulveda, as well as his great-grandson Bradyn Thomas Hardeman.

Tom spent 38 years with United Parcel Service, retiring as Corporate Vice President. Retirement was a launching pad for the most fulfilling stage of his life as he poured himself out in service to others.

Tom’s greatest passion was using his gifts and talents to advance God’s kingdom and work. The family requests that in lieu of flowers, memorial gifts be made to the WSFC Building Fund, P.O. Box 5928 Salem, Oregon 97304.

The family wishes to thank Dr. Joe Kuhn, Dr. John Nemunaitis, the physicians and staff of the Mary Crowley Cancer Research Center. They made our journey one of joy and hope and allowed Tom to contribute to the eventual eradication this disease.

A celebration of Tom’s life will be held on Thursday, August 24, 2006 at 2:00 p.m. at Bent Tree Bible Fellowship. 4141 International Parkway Carrollton, Texas 75007. Aloha attire acceptable. Visitation will be Wednesday August 23, 2006 between 4:00 and 8:00 p.m. at Restland Funeral Home.

A Grandson's Thoughts

Sitting next to Grandpa's bed for a week and a half gave me a chance to do something that all of us Grandkids were fortunate enough to do. I got to tell my Grandpa everything I needed to, I got to thank him for everything he had done for me (as if it could ever be counted), and I got to tell him that I loved him.I left early Saturday morning to head back to California to attempt to get my year started at school, only to find out that Grandpa had taken Jesus' hand that night. At first I was sick that I had left just hours before he died. I wanted to be there when he exited this world and began his Life. As the grief over took me (litterally laying on the floor), Jesus spoke something to me. Unlike people standing around waiting for him to go, I had truly said goodbye. Although I was not there to see him into the Father's arms, I had the unique opportunity of saying goodbye, knowing it would be the last time I would see my Grandpa on this earth. What a gift that is, to know that everything was said. He knew that I loved him, he knew that I appriciated everything he had ever done for me.But more than any of those things, my Grandpa knew that I was going to follow the path he had always dreamed for me. No, not an employee of the famed UPS, and no, not even a pastor. My Grandpa had dreamed of me, and all of my cousins, to live a life serving the Lord. Whatever that may look like for each of us, he desired for each of us to serve Jesus and to love Him with all of our hearts.And so with all (most actually) of his grandchildren gathered around his bed late Friday night, we prayed, and I leaned in close to his ear and prayed, "Jesus, please let Grandpa see all of his grandchildren here, seeking you, and let him know that we all love Jesus, and we will all serve Him the rest of our lives." Grandpa heard that, and I believe that he had peace.My Grandfather passed on from a life that was well lived. Pastor Pete once said (actually it was his dad), "There are two things that are most important to say about a man at his death. He was faithful to his wife, and he was faithful to his calling." My Grandfather was faithful to both. He loved my Grandma with a romance taken straight out of the Bible, and was faithful to his calling of providing for his family, and guiding them in the path of the Lord. I know what it means to serve Jesus because I saw how my Granpa lived.Though the grief is great, and there are many more tears to be cried, I have peace. My Grandpa is, at this moment, looking into the face of his Savior, and is hearing, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."What an example to follow.Bo (2nd Granchild)

On His Terms

There are going to be continued posts, just because I have creative license and I can. Unlike the more private members of my family, posting my personal thoughts, feelings, and reflections is a catharses and I love to share those with anyone who will listen (for those of you who know me this comes as no surprise). I want to share a bit of yesterday's experiences, and will be just sharing funny remembrances and stories as they are brought to mind later.

Yesterday, as Dad was preparing to go home to be with Jesus, we were trying to "help him" (since I don't know how not to DO something), we were telling him it was okay to go home and be with Jesus, to take Jesus' hand, his reward was prepared for him. And he was peaceful and fine until we began to talk to him about Mom. This is so funny, because on Friday evening, once Dad was at that place between heaven and earth, but definitely not here, Tommy told him Mom was going to be okay and we would take care of her. He got a definite scowl, and dad forcefully said "uuuh uuuuh". When Tommy tried to reiterate it he got a big growly grunt (those of you who know Dad's usual method of communication will understand this as Dad's version of "the look" from Mom). Tom backed off, but I didn't know he had done it and I did the same thing that night. I got the same response. As the day wore on yesterday, several people reiterated that Mom would be okay and no matter where Dad was or how medicated he was, he would rouse with a scowl and a growl or "uuuuuh uuuh". He promised Mom early on that he would fight, and he fought for her until his last breath. It was so clear that he was fighting for her, his love blazingly apparent to everyone in the room. We all have this image burned into our hearts and minds of Dad, arguing with us and even Mom as we tried to convinve him she would be okay. The medical staff were amazed as he defied the laws of medical reality and forced himself to go on for her. It was the clearest evidence of the enormity of their love lived out in the last moments of his life. This will sustain us all in the days and years to come.

His famliy was lovingly gathered around, and over a dozen times, as we sang worship choruses, praised, prayed, loved, cajoled and begged him to go home to be with Jesus, he psyched us out a dozen or more times and wore us down. You all know Dad loved to laugh, loved a party and was always at the center of it. He HATED emotional scenes and weepy females, and his will must equal that of all three of his children combined from what we saw yesterday. We sat in awe of him forcing his body to wait until it was on his terms. Finally, at 11:00 p.m., exhausted and slightly punch drunk (we'd been watching every breath and facial expression since the early morning hours), we started telling funny stories about Dad. We had barely scratched the surface and had been laughing for about an hour when Dad decided it was time to go. He went on his terms, in the midst of the party and laughter, as he lived his life.

"How precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints." Psalms 116:15

Tom Hardeman

August 12, 1937 - August 20, 2006 To be continued.........

Tom passed from death to life at 5 minutes to midnight tonight with his family and close friend cheering him on. We will post details soon.

Update

This is Mom and Dad just a few short weeks ago. Wow! How blessed are we? I know it's been a few days since the last update, but we've been in a wait and see mode and wanted complete information before posting it. Here's the complete picture: Dad's kidneys have failed. His blood pressure is slowly dropping and he is becoming more and more tired. This is the news we did not want to hear. His alertness and strength are limited. As a family, we have decided to try to preserve as much of this strength as possible. We would like to request that only family members visit him in the hospital. For family members, we are asking that your time in the room with Dad be limited to 3 minutes. All family are invited to visit and pray in the lobby area. There is plenty of room for family to congregate and share, pray and be together in that area, but the room connecting to Dad's is reserved for a few immediate family members to have quiet time together. Dad gets disturbed by too much noise in this room, so we are limiting the activity in this room. Your prayers are desperately coveted. Verdell Krisher said it best when she said we are experiencing "severe mercy". Your prayers are holding us upright and we are cushioned by a peace that truly does surpass understanding. Sandy Ginn (214-534-2686) is our point of contact for questions, updates and recent needs the family might have. Please forgive us if we don't return your loving and concerned phone calls. We are overwhelmed and appreciative, but we are sitting with Daddy and savoring each moment. We love you and appreciate all your outpouring of love and sacrifices you have made to visit, call and bring food. We are now pulling together as a family to conserve Mom and Dad's strength during the coming days.
There will be multiple blogs posted today by the Grandkids that have been taken from letters written to Grandpa on his birthday. Enjoy!

Kristin

Grandpa,
From "Catch a Falling Star" to "We Will Remember," I have experienced 10 lifetimes worth of your love. My earliest memories are of playing tent and singing with you and Grandma under the covers. My most recent memory is of worshiping the Lord with you in a time of hardship. What more do I have to learn? Here is what you've shown me:
1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.
2. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Grandpa, I have seen you live out our Lord's two greatest commandments in every aspect of life. My love for Jesus Christ has been shaped by the legacy you set forth.
In these past few days, you have demonstrated more strength and faith than I have ever seen. I feel like I have thanked you a thousand times throughout the course of my life, and today I have one more... Thank you for the gift of your love. It sometimes seems that becasue of your endless love and generosity, you are a grandfather to everyone you meet. But I am beyond grateful to say, that I will forever remain, my strong Grandpa's little girl. If there is any strength in me, it is because I first saw it in you. I love you!
Love,
Kristin

Tim

Grandpa,
There aren't many words to describe how much you have influenced my life. It it wasn't for you I wouldn't have ever straightened my life out and after that you also showed me how to live a Godly life and there are no words to describe how much I love and appreciate you. I just wanted you to know how much I love you and how you have helped me change my life and are helping me by setting an example of how to live.
Love,
Tim

Rachel

Dear Grandpa,
I'm not even sure where to start this letter. I've been reminiscing all day and I can't express all my love and appreciation into this letter. You are by far the godliest man I know, and I love and cherish every pearl of wisdom you've passed on. The way you walk into a room is amazing because people just know you're there. The presence of God just follows you like a shadow and it is so comforting. Of course that's not all I think about when I think of you. The fun, slly grandpa also comes to mind. Always listening to that Christmas song by the Brooklyn Tabernacle every year (along with Santa Baby!), the donuts you would graciously buy on Saturdays, the fun drives in all of your sports cars, and the list goes on forever. And of course there's Hawaii. You have shown more generosity in those trips than most people ever do in a lifetime. One of the greatest years in my life was when I lived with you. The example you set of how to walk with God, what a marriage should look like, and in general, the love Christ has for me is something that will be with me forever! I can't even begin to thank you for all you've done. The legacy you have created is untouchable and I pray to God that we (the grandkids) will be able to keep it going. There is not one person in this world that has met you and not been touched by the hand of god. And I have been so blessed because I have you for a grandpa. You are undoubtedly the BEST grandpa ever, and I love you with all my heart. I hope that you have a wonderful birthday today and truly know how special you are to me!
Love Always,
Rachie

Tommy

Grandpa,
When I started thinking about what to write, I could only think of wonderful memories. But, to write down all of my memories would take forever. So, I am going to share some of my most special memories.
The first memory is sharing the same name with two great men, you and my dad. I hope that I can carry on the legacy, that you and your father have set before me, through my son. My eagle project and all the help you gave me, Thank You! I love the picture of us when you had the Tommy shirt on, that picture is hanging in my room and I look at it every day. I remember spending the night at your house and then waking up early to go get donuts in your red Mercedes. Also watching Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, and any little clip that you wanted us to see. But, one of my most cherished memories is getting to do all of those work projects with you, whether it be building a room or just painting a wall, the time we have spent together is Priceless and will always be remembered. I love you so much! I hope that someday I can grow up to be as nice and great as you are. I hope that when my son has a son and I become a grandfather, my grandson will look up to me just as I look up to you. I love you!
Love,
Tommy

Elizabeth

Grandpa,
I chose this paper to write your letter on because every time I am at your house, ths is the only kind of paper I can find in Grandma's office! I guess you can say that legal pads remind me of you and Grandma, in a round about way! Many things remind me of you - fun playful cars, brunch at Brookhaven, praise-and-worship music (and the "Grandpa Dance" I can see you doing in my head to the upbeat songs!), funny Jay Leno clips, Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, grilled steak and chicken, and of course, Maui! Also, the rare occasions I go pick up doughnuts for the family! There are many things that remind me of you; the more I sit and write, teh more that come to mind! Above all these occurrences, what I love the most is what you remind me of - Christ's love.
I am so grateful to have such a wonderful example of the way God wants us to love one another. Your love is so unconditional and never ending, and it extends to everyone you meet! I am constantly amazed by all the people who say they look to you as a son does his father, or they consider you their grandpa too! I am so blessed to not have to look outside of my own family for the love of a father or grandfather, and that is because of you and your example. So, thank you Grandpa!
Finding a middle name for Bradyn was a no-brainer for me! I chose "Thomas" as his middle name for three reasons, those being the three men in my life with that name. I wanted Bradyn to have a disposition like my brother and be accomplished at such a young age like Tommy was. I wanted him to have a mind like my dad, and have the quick, sassy and questioning ind that my daddy has. And of course, you are the third Thomas I am mentioning! I hope that Bradyn learns to love as you do. To love Jesus like you do and to love people like you do. I also pray that he exudes happiness the way you have always done. i have seen people's faces change from being upset and depressed to being happy and joyful within minutes of being in your presence. It is wonderful!
I also want Bradyn to be tough like you, Daddy and Tommy are. I remember the many accidents you have had while doing little projects around the world! Still to this day I am scared of exacto knives and nail guns!
Anyway, I wrote all of this to say I love you so much and I am grateful to you for accepting my mom and I into your family so many years ago! I am proud to call you my Grandpa and I have always loved that our birthdays were so close together! (I don't know why, but I have always loved celebrating my birthday with you and Grandma!) I hope you have a very happy birthday Grandpa!
I love you,
Elizabeth

Bo

Grandpa,
I am having trouble getting this card started. Not because I am worried about the situation we are in, but because I am struggling to find the words to express my feelings for you. You have meant so much to all of us, but my views of you are slightly different than that of the other cousins. You and Grandma saved my life, through you I have truly seen the love of God. You have given me a real snapshot of the Father.
Grandpa, you have set an example of walking with Christ that each of us will follow for the rest of our lives. I have learned so much from you. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I could never begin to count all the things you have done.
Through this entire ordeal, my faith has never been stronger, mostly because I have been following your lead. I love you Grandpa.
Your Grandson,
Bo

Julie's poem

Sitting here thinking of where to start
my Grandfather's story is the hardest part.
So much to be mentioned, stories to be told,
These unforgetable memories will never get old.

Well, every tough man suffers from an injury.
Oh, Grandpa's had his share of seven... times three.
Nails through the leg, falls and broken linbs,
I was lucky enough to get this trait from him.
But this Tom Hardeman is never slowed down,
he still knows everyone; is the most well known in town.
Presidents, salesmen, anyone you name.
But it's only his compassion for this to blame.

On top of popularity, he's also quite organized
so when dinner comes around, you should never be surprised.
When he pulls out his date book and starts to recite
where each person is sitting to eat that night.
And afterwards all are called to sit
to watch an interesting television clip
and sometimes even Jeopardy or the Wheel;
it's the perfect ending to every meal.

But dinner's about the only time he sits down,
there's always ap roject, no matter where in town.
If you have a problem, no need to be sour;
He'll hit Home Depot and it'll be fixed in an hour.
Though this cancer has slowed projects for today,
we know it won't always be this way.

For broken hearts ahve recently had a mend
when hearing John 2 say death is not the end.
Through this it will show all God's glory.
And Grandpa, one day soon, this will be your story.

Birthday Card From Sam

Dear Grandpa,
I want to wish you a Happy Birthday and pray that you feel better. No words can explain how much you mean to me and the family. Over the past 16 years you have shown me what it means to be a man of God. I can only hope to grow up to be half the man that you were. I have been praying for you and will continue to until you get better. I'm sorry I couldn't make this longer, but I hope it means a lot to you.
Love,
Sam

Caleb

Dear Grandpa,

I love you. Happy Birthday.

Caleb

At The Foot of The Cross -- Holding on For Dear Life

This was sent to Kristin from a friend who put this together as a reminder that we have an advocate before the throne this very minute. Pray for us and for Dad's kidneys to "wake up". Joy comes in the morning.

Update

Not too much to report. We are holding steady, his white count is down (good), his electrolytes are improved and stable, he isn't in any pain, but kidneys are still not kicking. They are functioning at about 20-25%. In order for him to receive chemotherapy, his creatinine needs to be at 2.0 and it was at 2.6 yesterday. His creatine is at 2.9 today, which isn't too happy, but they are starting steroids which should "assist" his kidneys in improving their functioning. It is pretty unlikely that he will be able to receive chemo this week, which is disappointing. We are prayerful. This MUST be the focus of our prayers. He's pretty sleepy and has not strength. He is eating, and digestion has returned to functioning, PRAISE GOD! Sorry for the short update. But Daddy's calling.

This Is The Day The Lord Has Made

We are rejoicing in it. After the worst day ever yesterday, I was awakened by Cari at 7:00 am saying "Dad wants to have coffee with you." I went into his room and he was sitting up and when Cari brought our coffee he took a few sips through a straw and fell asleep. It was a wonderful start to the day (and it was a busy, exhausing, eventful day), I think he had about 50 (no kidding) visitors. Of course, everyone didn't get in to see him, but the lobby, halls and living area of his room overflowed most of the day.

The weekend doctor came early and said he wanted Tom looked at by a Nephrologist (Kidney specialist), because his kidney lab tests were too high, and it might indicate - well you know. However, we had two not one specialists and their conclusion was not that grave. They said his kidneys had taken a lickin but were still tickin. They are sending him for a sonogram tomorrow and running more tests and will make a determination as to the course of treatment. They seem to think prelimilarily that the kidneys may just take a nap and wake up working fine. Let's agree about that.

The other areas of obvious concern are his bowels which haven't moved in over a week, his stomach which still requires a nasal tube to empty and his inability to eat. His nausea and bloating have been controlled by the tube, and they are giving him calories through the IV.

Tommy, Robert and Hector are caring for Tom tonight and sent the girls home for bath and bed. Tommy called me about and hour ago and said Tom's bowels moved for the first time a few minutes ago. I feel like a Mom with a 3 year old who finally "got it" with the potty training. I'm sure Tom loves to see this in print!!! Don't tell him I told you.

Well, I think I've revealed enough family secrets for one night. I do want to thank all our dear, dear family and friends who are holding Tom up in prayer. We are so blessed and feel uplifted by your intercession. I'm sure Cari will be back to give you more details tomorrow, but wanted you all to know you're prayers have not been in vain.

I love you all, Eileen